I was so happy to have my camera when I came across this tree. I can't tell you how many tree forts my brothers and I made on the hundreds of oaks surrounding our property. What a perfect environment to be raised in.
Maybe that's why I'm so fond of trees.
Monkeys on your back.
This was a whole chapter in the book, Child Wise, that we've been going through to help define our parenting values and remind us of what our purpose as parents are.
With the manner issue, it's pretty reasonable to expect a child Kid Mock's age or younger to say their please's and thank you's... we program them to do so, right?
A few months back, I was sharing my frustration with the fact that I didn't like the way Kid would ask, excuse me, demand things: "Mommy, I'm hungry". "Mommy, I need a drink". One's first reaction is to fulfill their physical need, which I got in the habit of doing. Soon, I required him to say, "please" after... resulting in a programmed, "Mommy, I need a drink, please".
It bothered me. It seemed robotic and insincere.
Then came Monkeys on your back.
Ezzo, the author explained that by programming your child to say such things surely teaches them to say it, but do they understand why? Do they think before they ask?
Ezzo, the author explained that by programming your child to say such things surely teaches them to say it, but do they understand why? Do they think before they ask?
His challenge: To teach your children why they use manners, not just how. Ever since reading that chapter, it opened a whole new perspective to parenting.
Ezzo's suggestion to this problem?
Make your child think about it first. It takes some conditioning, sure, but it is truly effective.
Decide the wording you would like to use to where you know your child understands. For us, it's "May I ____, please, Mommy?". If he doesn't ask in this form, our answer is, "I'm sorry, I don't have the freedom to give you ___. Please come back in two minutes and ask the correct way". Sounds harsh, but you're putting the monkey's on your child's back. They learn to think before they ask. If you ask Daddy Mock, he was a bit hesitant to start this strategy. He didn't think that Carter would "get" it nor did he like the long-winded version of saying "use your manners", however, within two hours (not joking), our politely-demanding child turned into a politely-requesting child. Not that he's this way all the time, we still use the technique almost daily, but it has surely been effective.
There are other requirements that we have Carter do that follow this parenting style:
Staying at the table until excused--This doesn't mean that he is expected to eat his entire meal or stay at the table the entire dinner, but he is to stay in his chair until he says, "Excuse me, please". This is one of my favorite standards in our home because it is used in every home. If we're at a non-child-friendly place, I can rest assure that his spaghetti covered hands won't be touching white couches or that he will be running around while others are enjoying a nice dinner. Along with this, comes eating only at the table and drinking only at the table. Again, it eliminates the worry that crackers will be squished into carpet or water will be spilled onto the slippery tile of someone else's home. Plus, (opinion inserted here, be warned) children don't need the freedom to be able to eat and drink where they please in a home. As they get older, they will understand the concept for the correct time and place to eat in living areas or rooms, but for now, they get distracted so easily that they leave food here, crackers there, and a sippy in your bedroom for you to find weeks later with spoiled milk.
Thanking for dinner--as previously explained, my parents required us to say "Thank you mom for the delicious dinner". It was robotic, but I am grateful for it. I am grateful that I was programmed to think and be grateful for who made it during the meal at some point. I was overjoyed the other night when I was setting up an air mattress in the other room. All the six kids and a few adults were at the dinner table. I hear Kid yell, "Hey Miss Bobbi, who made this dinner?". Bobbi, answered, "Your Mommy did, Carter". He then responded loudly so that his missing Mommy would hear, "Thank you for the delicious dinner, Mommy!". To me, that moment clarified that he got it. He got it. After all the training, he learned to stop, think, and respond. And for that, the time and effort was and is well worth it.
I hope this post doesn't come across as "tooting our horn in any way". We have so many other things to work on with the children (as well as loving every part of them!). However, I know that we all have so much to read up on and prioritize that sometimes someone else doing it and passing that "nugget" along is very beneficial. Since I have been asked recently quite a few questions on this topic, I thought I would respond by giving a few of our household standards.
Please share if you have encountered any "Aha!" moments or golden nuggets to pass along!
