Sometimes making a logical decision doesn't always sit right with the soul.
We've had a wonderful past two weeks. It's our new normal and it's been filled with peace and joy.
The sun has been out in a Spring-like manner here. We've been spending our days outside, soaking in the Vitamin D. We've been getting to know our two latest family members. We've gone out as a family of seven (even to a restaurant, to test the waters...Jason and I do enjoy a great challenge), visited with friends, and put a lot of time into our family...our family tank has been low due to the end of the pregnancy grinch (finger pointing to Mwah) and the turkey season that whisks our fearless leader away.
In the past few weeks, I just can't seem to kick it, though.
Since the babies were born via c-section, we were faced with the choice to do a tubal litigation (aka: get my tubes tied). Logically, we knew it would be a good choice, as pregnancies seem to take a rough toll on our family...well, that and the fact that we have five kids on a very modest income. We also prefer not to use any form of birth control as they all have certain effects that are less than optimum.
We discussed it slightly, prayed about it even more slightly, and decided together that it would make the most sense.
And now, I am filled with great regret. Within a day of being home in our new normal, it hit like a ton of bricks. I watched all of my littles play with wonder, looked down at my two tiny babies gathering milk from their Momma like little kittens, and glanced over at my sweet enduring husband...only to recognize how rich and blessed we are. And to think that we chose to cap our blessings? What if? What if there were to be one or two more? What if we were disobedient in our quick choice to prefer logic over God's plan?
I would like to say that I have worked through it and have come to peace with what we have done, but I haven't. Every time I hold these sweet boys, my first little baldies, I smell them, kiss them, and mourn the fact that they are my last.
I didn't think it would be like this. I thought I would be so happy to be done, but I'm not.
Don't get me wrong, I am in love with what God has given us. I am grateful for each child and what they bring to our family, I just feel a tad responsible for possibly preventing something when Christ had different plans.
So now, I pray. I asked for forgiveness. Although we felt confident going in, those feelings are banished, and I fear that we may not have had the exact peace that we were seeking.
All of that to say that Jason seems to be very much at peace (smirk), and five is a full-enough quiver. Somehow my pregnancy remains a little too fresh in his mind...I suppose that is a good thing...
Quite a lesson; never, ever do anything permanent until after the baby or babies arrive...unless God speaks to you directly, otherwise, you may wonder if you jumped ahead of his plan.