Complex.
Frustrating, inconsistently consistent. Rewarding. Complex. Loss and Gain. One step forward, three steps back.
You wouldn't believe it unless you saw the image of a mother and a father, kneeling, crying, begging.
Frustration. Tears. Pain.
Frustration. Tears. Pain.
Loss of control.
How could one child cause so much tension in a household?
I share because I have been given permission (by him).
And I have been told to (by the Lord).
And I want you to know that there's hope.
I had written a little bit about Carter over a year ago. About our quest to figure out some of his behavioral patterns, what was causing them, how to handle them, etc. While we were able to learn a lot about his body science, what made him tick from the inside and we were able to correct a lot of the sensory sensitivities through diet, it didn't completely eliminate our challenges with him.
We continued to get stuck in certain situations. It's been the most complex relationship.
Strained.
From the outside, one would never know.
Not unless you heard our cries.
Or sat the day after one of his episodes, listening to me try to sort out who this child was and how to handle him.
Are you there? Have you been there?
Feeling lost?
Eight years.
While it improved significantly with diet, it was never eliminated.
The Lord knew my heart. All I wanted was a relationship with this child, yet I felt his entire childhood was spent going head to head. Battle after battle.
War after war.
He was always ready.
All it took was a trigger.
And then the Lord started working. His timing, it's unique.
I can't tell you how or why now, but there's so much hope.
He told me to read "The Strong Willed Child"... I've read it probably twice, maybe three times prior, and have needed it every single time... so in my heart, I was questioning why, again.
But I read it. And again, tears rolled down my face.
Understanding.
I'm not sure if I was always in denial, but reading personal stories of these children and their relationships with their parents while growing up, it was so encouraging!
Were they wonderful relationships?
Absolutely not. They were heavily strained, tense, and challenging.
But that's because the child was designed that way.
(for the record, most strong willed children do come to understand and have great relationships with their parents, it's just usually not until their adulthood)
There are strong willed children out there, born to fight.
And our first born, he's one.
And the more I read, the more I could identify with these mothers, knowing that this is a job set out for me, and I will not, by God's grace fail at it.
My job is to instill respect.
To teach responsibility and an order.
To win the battle of the wills.
To assure him I'm in control.
(They need that, they seek it, even when it turns every hair grey)
But oh, how I longed for the peace and ease of relationship that came with the others I parented.
One of the personal testimonies was from a grown "Strong Willed Child"... Dr Dobson had asked her if she remembered fighting her mother so strongly. She responded that she absolutely did and that all she wanted was to win. And she would do whatever it took to do it.
She was four when she remembered starting those battles.
And it clicked with me. If she remembered being four and fighting battles, there may be an avenue I can take with him.
The boy is bright.
He's personable. He loves to chat.
I wonder if he would be as honest or aware of his present character as this girl was with her past.
I sat him down, with my arm around him.
I explained to him what a strong will was.
I told him that there are two people in this house with a strong will... "Do you know who they are?".
"Yep. You and me".
Okay. Well, that was easy!
We then discussed how a will can be a great thing to have when it comes to standing up for the kingdom of God... for choosing right, not compromising... but when it comes to attitude and respect, it's something we always have to learn to die to. It's sinful. It's disobedient.
I told him that the Lord has been asking me to die to all types of things, and I used my will to fight it for quite some time... but when you give in, quickly, that act of obedience is recognized as love and far more rewarding.
And that fighting authority can easily lead to fighting God.
He totally got it. Just like that, in one sweet, loving conversation.
We used a chart just for him that you can get online or through the book (in the past we have used systems that the other kids are in on and the competition can cause a crash and burn situation with him). It wasn't an obedience chart, it was an attitude chart. We talked about the difference between attitude and obedience. What he was struggling with and why we were monitoring it.
The chart was able to be used as a tool to show him his reactions...which we only needed to use for about a week.
Since that conversation, that boy has been by my side.
I yearned for this.
I thought I would never get it.
I thought him and I, we would just battle until he left my home.
I thought he would resent me. For demanding respect, requiring obedience, even though it took so much effort and time to get it from him.
Eight years.
And the Lord's timing... so purposeful. If I didn't have this boy, life would be so much more simple. Parenting would be different. I understand your cries, all you mothers struggling with difficult children.
I understand.
It's rough.
But there is hope. And it's so sweet.
We cook almost every night together.
He's the only child with the will and the patience to chop all the veggies (at their perfect height!!) and stir all the contents. He talks his day away with me. Asks all types of questions.
Tells me he loves me.
Hope.
I understand (and Dobson acknowledges this) that children change, specifically "Strong Willed" children. I know we'll have to come up with a new game plan at some point, something to keep our relationship soft or something to remind him of who runs this place... but for now, we're enjoying something we've yet to experience in a long while. A peaceful house. With very little tension.
And it's been amazing.
This boy has grown me and stretched me beyond what I ever thought a child could do. It's all in God's will. He turned eight a few weeks ago, and as I was reflecting on him and us... I realized the verse in the Bible, about Reuben, the firstborn...it's completely applicable. In a way that I can fully understand. Because it rings true.
Genesis 49:3 (RHE)
Ruben, my firstborn, thou art my strength, and the beginning of my sorrow; excelling in gifts, greater in command.
Carter. The beginning of my sorrow. The beginning of my strength. It's because of you I have become a willing vessel. A tender heart. And a strong spirit.
You, my boy. You are gifted and strong, and wise beyond your years.
I am so grateful to be called your mother.
And it clicked with me. If she remembered being four and fighting battles, there may be an avenue I can take with him.
The boy is bright.
He's personable. He loves to chat.
I wonder if he would be as honest or aware of his present character as this girl was with her past.
I explained to him what a strong will was.
I told him that there are two people in this house with a strong will... "Do you know who they are?".
"Yep. You and me".
Okay. Well, that was easy!
We then discussed how a will can be a great thing to have when it comes to standing up for the kingdom of God... for choosing right, not compromising... but when it comes to attitude and respect, it's something we always have to learn to die to. It's sinful. It's disobedient.
I told him that the Lord has been asking me to die to all types of things, and I used my will to fight it for quite some time... but when you give in, quickly, that act of obedience is recognized as love and far more rewarding.
And that fighting authority can easily lead to fighting God.
He totally got it. Just like that, in one sweet, loving conversation.
We used a chart just for him that you can get online or through the book (in the past we have used systems that the other kids are in on and the competition can cause a crash and burn situation with him). It wasn't an obedience chart, it was an attitude chart. We talked about the difference between attitude and obedience. What he was struggling with and why we were monitoring it.
The chart was able to be used as a tool to show him his reactions...which we only needed to use for about a week.
Since that conversation, that boy has been by my side.
I yearned for this.
I thought I would never get it.
I thought him and I, we would just battle until he left my home.
I thought he would resent me. For demanding respect, requiring obedience, even though it took so much effort and time to get it from him.
Eight years.
I understand.
It's rough.
But there is hope. And it's so sweet.
We cook almost every night together.
He's the only child with the will and the patience to chop all the veggies (at their perfect height!!) and stir all the contents. He talks his day away with me. Asks all types of questions.
Tells me he loves me.
Hope.
I understand (and Dobson acknowledges this) that children change, specifically "Strong Willed" children. I know we'll have to come up with a new game plan at some point, something to keep our relationship soft or something to remind him of who runs this place... but for now, we're enjoying something we've yet to experience in a long while. A peaceful house. With very little tension.
And it's been amazing.
This boy has grown me and stretched me beyond what I ever thought a child could do. It's all in God's will. He turned eight a few weeks ago, and as I was reflecting on him and us... I realized the verse in the Bible, about Reuben, the firstborn...it's completely applicable. In a way that I can fully understand. Because it rings true.
Genesis 49:3 (RHE)
Ruben, my firstborn, thou art my strength, and the beginning of my sorrow; excelling in gifts, greater in command.
Carter. The beginning of my sorrow. The beginning of my strength. It's because of you I have become a willing vessel. A tender heart. And a strong spirit.
You, my boy. You are gifted and strong, and wise beyond your years.
I am so grateful to be called your mother.