So you know those things that every Christian kind of fears that God will call you to do when you fully step out and surrender? Africa? Adoption? Yeah, those things.

Well, it all started with a conversation I had with the Lord up at Kennedy Meadows a month ago. My friend had handed me the book "Anything" to read during the week and as I started reading through the first chapter, levels of pride and self-righteousness started rising up within me. I had already felt that I had given him those things. I have surrendered my life, my health, my kids' lives, I am willing within a day's notice to list our home and move to Africa. Adoption? If that's your will, we'll adopt three! I kept telling him how I didn't necessarily struggle with letting go and the willingness to do anything. I reminded him, "You know my heart, you KNOW I am willing".

Until about a week or two later. He had never really responded to me over my immediate reaction to the book, but he did share some really sweet things with me while we were up there. However, when I came home, it was if he waited until I could completely focus on what he had to say.

"I love that you are willing to move to Africa and I love that you are willing to adopt. I know your heart and I know that you are willing to do those big, scary things. But what about the small things?"

About a week before we left for Kennedy Meadows, my wedding ring had gone missing. It has happened before, but only for a day or two as I have three special places for it and it's usually in one of those. It's a big ring, heavy, and it gets a lot of dirt trapped in it, so I tend to take it off when I wash my hands, do the dishes, etc. For that entire week, it was as if a piece of me was missing. I am not typically a sentimental person, so I questioned all week why I was so heavy over missing this ring. Partially, I knew the value of it and I knew how hard Jason had worked to pay for it. He also put a lot of effort into finding out exactly what I wanted and had it designed accordingly. It was a unique ring with a lot of character and worth a lot of money (to us at least!). Those thoughts were going through my head and the weight of it was so heavy. I prayed and prayed that the Lord would show me where it was.

We left for our trip and had a great time. I was able to set that heaviness aside for the week until we returned. It kept pressing deeper and heavier and now guilt was starting to enter into my heart. What if Jason is going to be upset? What if this is something he couldn't forgive me for?

If this ring is truly gone, then I have nothing of value left in my life anymore.

That's when he said it. That's when he questioned my "anything".

He mentioned my wedding ring and he mentioned a few other silly little things that seemed so insignificant in the sight of him. But then he showed me their impact. And he showed me that by willing to submit to him in those tiny things, I was doing big things for him.

The ring is actually not a small thing. When he brought it to my attention, it actually became a large thing. When I finally discovered the root of my loss, it was large and ugly.

See, Jason and I started our marriage off in a very good financial place, hence the amazing and unique ring. But as the Lord continued to pull us away from our "comfortable" (please, know that being financially comfortable does not mean that you don't have a willing heart, this is the story of our family's journey), our life got messier. Our nice cars are now 10 years old, we have consistently downsized to smaller homes and mortgages, and we live on a very tight budget. Our family increased in size, and anyone who experiences that knows that you lose a lot of control in every direction and category. If you want to keep your car clean, something else will be dirty because of it. If you want to keep your house clean, something else will be dirty because of it. If you want to keep your kids clean, a lot of things will be dirty because of that!

With this messy life has come so many rewards, of course, but for some reason, my ring was my one reminder of where we started, where we came from, who we "were".

But we aren't those people anymore.

And the Lord was reminding me of that.

This is getting heavy, so please observe that Elias' pants are fully unzipped. LOVE this photo. Now that's messy. ;)

Anyway, once he showed me the truth behind my grief over the loss of this ring, it was if I shed the pride and self-righteousness that had been exposed from reading that book the week prior. Exposed, wrecked, and completely humbled.

I was broken. How did I not realize this all those years?

It doesn't matter, because God is good. And his plan continues.

I processed it for about a day and then told Jason what he had revealed to me.
So, Jason is way ahead of me in this department. Dang. He's good.

As soon as I finished telling him what the Lord had revealed to me, his quick response was this, "Well, sounds like if you find the ring we need to sell it and choose a ministry to donate to or adopt a baby with it".

Guys... this is the man who saved for this ring, designed it, put it on my finger in a perfect private beach setting, again put it on my finger during our vows and then watched me nurse all five babies with THAT ring on my finger. And in an instant he was willing to give it up.
Messy. But so beautiful in the eyes of the Lord.

The ring is still lost.

But new faith is found. I am learning about my tendencies to want to control everything. That holding onto some things that I thought identified who I was actually inhibits me from living a fully surrendered life. Be it living in Africa or loving on a family who needs Jesus at the soccer field.

It's still a work in process, of course.

I don't know his next step is for us.
But we're willing. We are saying "Anything" to him, both in big and small ways.

Matthew 6:21

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.